Post by Ɖσмιиιc on Jun 28, 2023 7:26:01 GMT
Hello, my name is Dominic. I am a s-x and love addict. I had no contact the my qualifier (person of addiction) for over a month now. Things are getting better. I'm attending 12 step meetings everyday, praying to my God. I'm glad I found this sub to serve or share or whatever my purpose will be.
This is what I have discovered about me so far.
1. I idolize a women's body
2. I want her (any/all) women to love me.
I've had this addiction since I was age 5. At this age, I had s-xual experiences with a neighborhood girl then the discovery of hard core p-rn ruined my life. I fantasized about having s-x with my 3rd grade teacher and this was even a private school. So much shame has been in my life. I had my first girlfriend at at 7th grade and she cheated on me with her ex-BF in front of me by holding hands, that was enough to make me think all women are sluts (don't judge me, as you know I am a slut too). I did lots of shameful things that are very sad to mentioned here. Nothing illegal but incest type stuff with family and cousins. Seeing my parents walk around the house naked, finding porn from moving from house to house, running into the adult section into old video stores (90's/80's). I didn't know who I was or what I was becoming. All I knew was from my 5 year old telling me that 'all women know how to give s-x and are willing" so I followed and was devious into this path of life. At church, same thing, I found girls my age who were willing and they were some of faithful church go-ers. My dad would tells me to stay away from bad women who just wanted to play with my body parts. I secreted wanted them too. I was so messed up.
High school lost my virginity at 16 while ditching church having s-x with a 15 year old girl (I was not her first but she was my first), under a bridge. This was a 2 1/2 year engagement. I went to join the USMC and she cheated on my . My brother told me so, said she was kissing our neighbor and saw her. I believed my brother because this girl/my fiance gave me or@l s-x on our first date we met and was this kind of person and I was addicted to women like this. Anyway, the military sent me to Japan, where I had s-x with prostitutes. I met my wife, who helped me get clean from cigarettes and alcohol but I was still addicted to porn. While she was pregnant with my 1st born, she found the p-rn, creams and tissues (evidence) by the PC and the type of porn (bl0wjob videos). She wanted to leave me.
Like I said, my brain is warped into thinking that women are just good for s-x. Why? Because I'm sick for it. I crave it. What changed? How did I stop watching porn? How did I come to know that I also had issues with "emotional/love affairs?"? (I had three love affairs so far).
I knew it, I just knew it inside my deep soul. I knew what I was doing was wrong. I knew from a child, that I was doing something shameful even when I discovered masturbation and ejaculated before I even had any sperm (age 7?), I had shame. But I didn't know how to stop it, I didn't know how to speak to anyone. I figured if I spoke to my dad, he would beat me or tell me to stop it. I figured that if I spoke to my mom, I would be seduced by her or lie and hide it (even she found the porn under my desk drawers). Part of my sick addiction was fantasying about them because I saw them naked and my mom and dad had s-x at night when I could hear the door locked and in there for a long time. Once time, I opened the door and she jumped off so fast off of dad. I was not stupid. Age 5, remember?
Now about my religious upbringing, I was raised as a Christian. I was told that I can go to hell for sinning, and it made me very very afraid. I was told that God sees my heart and my mind (this is why and it explains to me why I felt dirty and shameful after masturbating as a child). God didn't strike me dead, so I figured this is all OK and just say "sorry" for later. I did. I did say sorry so many times. Everytime, I heard a message of accepting the good news and Jesus, I raised my hand, I would pray the sinners' prayers (I still do this today too, so you know where I am currently). I have a lot of guilt and shame, but part of me is a skeptic that doesn't believe in others, because I think "if I'm like this, aren't they all just like me?" This is judging but in recovery I know it's true but the judging is not one of "haha, I'm better, but Oh crap, we are all broken" and this revelation with the revelation of a God of love who loves me, and still does is the help I am getting to make it through day by day. I don't care what you believe in and I don't care if your something else.
Recovery has taught me to forgive myself, accept God's love, and try to do it better. I know this is the right path for me. I just know it.
I don't care no more about juding prostitutes as "whores" because I'm a bigger whore, so it's hypocritical and also not productive. Do I think prostitutes are whores? Yes, of course, but the meaning I apply to the word "whore" for me, not for you, but for me is not one of a negative one but a reality of "this world of mine is filled with sexual junk" that I can't escape. If I"m being honest, I have been addicted like this for years, and it's sad how a women doesn't know or perhaps they do know. Perhaps they do care, but can't change their beauty. I don't care. I'm not gonna blame massage parlors, and prosititutes for my falls/relapse. It's my fault, I must take ownership. It was my heart that wanted to be seduced, it was my empty void that I was seeking to be filled by their breasts, their eyelashes, their eyes, and such, It was my idolatry and it was my lack of self-control and I let myself get seduced and intoxicated by her. If she grabbed my privates and I stayed, it's my fault. I don't blame her anymore. She is sick as I am. If I let go my resentments of her (that "it's her fault her a$$ was showing), if I let go of that BS, then I can see, that it was Me, this person in charge, trying to take over the world, his world, a false god, I'm a false god. Anyone who seduced me and wanted me, was also believing a lie, they thought I could save them from their emptyness, much like I was looking to the women, the siren, the prostitute to say me from my emptyness. I hate it. I don't hate them, I don't hate me, I hate it, the hate my sick evil ways.
I'm tired of sugar coating my crap and saying junk like "I"m only human" that is BS, Would hitler say that? I am only a killer of 6 million jews because I"m just a human, just a socialpath? BS.
This is why I have chosen the path I choose now. A path of honestly. I"m jacked up. I"m so wrong. I need to look at women as my sisters, fellow human females, NOT whores, NOT prostitutes, even she's a s-x worker, and love them as a pure honest way? But how on earth can I do this? I see them and I just get an erection. Like this. "This women doesn't belong to me, if I cheat on my God, by breaking trust with God, and drink water from this well, this women, who can't offer me true and living water, I'm gonna be deceived and placing a demand on this women, putting her on a pedestal, a burden, she can't carry, and would be foolish to think that she can fill my cup" She can't, so I won't let those lustful ways intoxicate me. She is not a god/or goddess, not matter what my thoughts, tv, movies, tell me. Porn has not taught me anything. My s-x addiction has not taught me anything, except that I'm sick, I"m horny, and I can't seek my orgasms anymore, for it's just empty meaningless pleasure. After multiple ejaculations a day, it's not enough. When does it stop?
When I am ready.
When I am done with it.
When is that.
Everyday. It was yesterday. It's right now. and Hopefully, will be the same heart resolve tomorrow.
But what if the women comes to me again? What is my plan? Will I pass the test?
If I am with my God, If I am connected to my God, If I am trusting in my God, asking for help, I don't need to worry about the "what ifs".
That's it. Thank you for letting me share.
This is what I have discovered about me so far.
1. I idolize a women's body
2. I want her (any/all) women to love me.
I've had this addiction since I was age 5. At this age, I had s-xual experiences with a neighborhood girl then the discovery of hard core p-rn ruined my life. I fantasized about having s-x with my 3rd grade teacher and this was even a private school. So much shame has been in my life. I had my first girlfriend at at 7th grade and she cheated on me with her ex-BF in front of me by holding hands, that was enough to make me think all women are sluts (don't judge me, as you know I am a slut too). I did lots of shameful things that are very sad to mentioned here. Nothing illegal but incest type stuff with family and cousins. Seeing my parents walk around the house naked, finding porn from moving from house to house, running into the adult section into old video stores (90's/80's). I didn't know who I was or what I was becoming. All I knew was from my 5 year old telling me that 'all women know how to give s-x and are willing" so I followed and was devious into this path of life. At church, same thing, I found girls my age who were willing and they were some of faithful church go-ers. My dad would tells me to stay away from bad women who just wanted to play with my body parts. I secreted wanted them too. I was so messed up.
High school lost my virginity at 16 while ditching church having s-x with a 15 year old girl (I was not her first but she was my first), under a bridge. This was a 2 1/2 year engagement. I went to join the USMC and she cheated on my . My brother told me so, said she was kissing our neighbor and saw her. I believed my brother because this girl/my fiance gave me or@l s-x on our first date we met and was this kind of person and I was addicted to women like this. Anyway, the military sent me to Japan, where I had s-x with prostitutes. I met my wife, who helped me get clean from cigarettes and alcohol but I was still addicted to porn. While she was pregnant with my 1st born, she found the p-rn, creams and tissues (evidence) by the PC and the type of porn (bl0wjob videos). She wanted to leave me.
Like I said, my brain is warped into thinking that women are just good for s-x. Why? Because I'm sick for it. I crave it. What changed? How did I stop watching porn? How did I come to know that I also had issues with "emotional/love affairs?"? (I had three love affairs so far).
I knew it, I just knew it inside my deep soul. I knew what I was doing was wrong. I knew from a child, that I was doing something shameful even when I discovered masturbation and ejaculated before I even had any sperm (age 7?), I had shame. But I didn't know how to stop it, I didn't know how to speak to anyone. I figured if I spoke to my dad, he would beat me or tell me to stop it. I figured that if I spoke to my mom, I would be seduced by her or lie and hide it (even she found the porn under my desk drawers). Part of my sick addiction was fantasying about them because I saw them naked and my mom and dad had s-x at night when I could hear the door locked and in there for a long time. Once time, I opened the door and she jumped off so fast off of dad. I was not stupid. Age 5, remember?
Now about my religious upbringing, I was raised as a Christian. I was told that I can go to hell for sinning, and it made me very very afraid. I was told that God sees my heart and my mind (this is why and it explains to me why I felt dirty and shameful after masturbating as a child). God didn't strike me dead, so I figured this is all OK and just say "sorry" for later. I did. I did say sorry so many times. Everytime, I heard a message of accepting the good news and Jesus, I raised my hand, I would pray the sinners' prayers (I still do this today too, so you know where I am currently). I have a lot of guilt and shame, but part of me is a skeptic that doesn't believe in others, because I think "if I'm like this, aren't they all just like me?" This is judging but in recovery I know it's true but the judging is not one of "haha, I'm better, but Oh crap, we are all broken" and this revelation with the revelation of a God of love who loves me, and still does is the help I am getting to make it through day by day. I don't care what you believe in and I don't care if your something else.
Recovery has taught me to forgive myself, accept God's love, and try to do it better. I know this is the right path for me. I just know it.
I don't care no more about juding prostitutes as "whores" because I'm a bigger whore, so it's hypocritical and also not productive. Do I think prostitutes are whores? Yes, of course, but the meaning I apply to the word "whore" for me, not for you, but for me is not one of a negative one but a reality of "this world of mine is filled with sexual junk" that I can't escape. If I"m being honest, I have been addicted like this for years, and it's sad how a women doesn't know or perhaps they do know. Perhaps they do care, but can't change their beauty. I don't care. I'm not gonna blame massage parlors, and prosititutes for my falls/relapse. It's my fault, I must take ownership. It was my heart that wanted to be seduced, it was my empty void that I was seeking to be filled by their breasts, their eyelashes, their eyes, and such, It was my idolatry and it was my lack of self-control and I let myself get seduced and intoxicated by her. If she grabbed my privates and I stayed, it's my fault. I don't blame her anymore. She is sick as I am. If I let go my resentments of her (that "it's her fault her a$$ was showing), if I let go of that BS, then I can see, that it was Me, this person in charge, trying to take over the world, his world, a false god, I'm a false god. Anyone who seduced me and wanted me, was also believing a lie, they thought I could save them from their emptyness, much like I was looking to the women, the siren, the prostitute to say me from my emptyness. I hate it. I don't hate them, I don't hate me, I hate it, the hate my sick evil ways.
I'm tired of sugar coating my crap and saying junk like "I"m only human" that is BS, Would hitler say that? I am only a killer of 6 million jews because I"m just a human, just a socialpath? BS.
This is why I have chosen the path I choose now. A path of honestly. I"m jacked up. I"m so wrong. I need to look at women as my sisters, fellow human females, NOT whores, NOT prostitutes, even she's a s-x worker, and love them as a pure honest way? But how on earth can I do this? I see them and I just get an erection. Like this. "This women doesn't belong to me, if I cheat on my God, by breaking trust with God, and drink water from this well, this women, who can't offer me true and living water, I'm gonna be deceived and placing a demand on this women, putting her on a pedestal, a burden, she can't carry, and would be foolish to think that she can fill my cup" She can't, so I won't let those lustful ways intoxicate me. She is not a god/or goddess, not matter what my thoughts, tv, movies, tell me. Porn has not taught me anything. My s-x addiction has not taught me anything, except that I'm sick, I"m horny, and I can't seek my orgasms anymore, for it's just empty meaningless pleasure. After multiple ejaculations a day, it's not enough. When does it stop?
When I am ready.
When I am done with it.
When is that.
Everyday. It was yesterday. It's right now. and Hopefully, will be the same heart resolve tomorrow.
But what if the women comes to me again? What is my plan? Will I pass the test?
If I am with my God, If I am connected to my God, If I am trusting in my God, asking for help, I don't need to worry about the "what ifs".
That's it. Thank you for letting me share.
